Wednesday, May 6, 2020
Fool Chapter 9 Free Essays
NINE TOIL AND TROUBLE So why is it that we are going to Great Birnam Wood to look for witches?â⬠asked Kent as we made our way across the moor. There was only a slight breeze but it was bloody cold, what with the mist and the gloom and my despair over King Jeff. I pulled my woolen cape around me. We will write a custom essay sample on Fool Chapter 9 or any similar topic only for you Order Now ââ¬Å"Bloody Scotland,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"Albany is possibly the darkest, dampest, coldest bloody crevice in all of Blighty. Sodding Scots.â⬠ââ¬Å"Witches?â⬠reminded Kent. ââ¬Å"Because the bloody ghost told me Iââ¬â¢d find my answers here.â⬠ââ¬Å"Ghost?â⬠ââ¬Å"The girl ghost at the White Tower, keep up, Kent. Rhymes and riddles and such.â⬠I told him of the ââ¬Å"grave offense to daughters threeâ⬠and the ââ¬Å"madman rising to lead the blind.â⬠Kent nodded as if he understood. ââ¬Å"And Iââ¬â¢m along becauseâ⬠¦Ã¢â¬ ââ¬Å"Because it is dark and I am small.â⬠ââ¬Å"You might have asked Curan or one of the others. Iââ¬â¢m reticent about witches.â⬠ââ¬Å"Nonsense. Theyââ¬â¢re just like physicians, only without the bleeding. Nothing to fear.â⬠ââ¬Å"In the day, when Lear was still Christian, we did not do well by witches. Iââ¬â¢ve had a cartload of curses cast on me.â⬠ââ¬Å"Not very effective, though, were they? Youââ¬â¢re child-frighteningly old and still strong as a bull.â⬠ââ¬Å"I am banished, penniless, and live under the threat of death upon discovery of my name.â⬠ââ¬Å"Oh, good point. Brave of you to come, then.â⬠ââ¬Å"Aye, thanks, lad, but Iââ¬â¢m not feeling it. Whatââ¬â¢s that light?â⬠There was a fire ahead in the wood, and figures moving around it. ââ¬Å"Stealthy, now, good Kent. Let us creep up silently and see what is to be seen before revealing ourselves. Now, creep, Kent, you crashing great ox, creep.â⬠And with but two steps my strategy revealed its flaw. ââ¬Å"Youââ¬â¢re jingling like a coin purse possessed of fits,â⬠said Kent. ââ¬Å"You couldnââ¬â¢t creep up on the deaf nor dead. Silence your bloody bells, Pocket.â⬠I placed my coxcomb on the ground. ââ¬Å"I can leave my hat, but Iââ¬â¢ll not take off my shoes ââ¬â weââ¬â¢ll surrender all stealth if Iââ¬â¢m screaming from trodding tender-footed across lizards, thorns, hedgehogs, and the lot.â⬠ââ¬Å"Here, then,â⬠said Kent, pulling the remains of the pork shoulder from his satchel. ââ¬Å"Dampen your bells with the fat.â⬠I raised an eyebrow quizzically ââ¬â an unappreciated and overly subtle gesture in the dark ââ¬â then shrugged and began working the suet into the bells at my toes and ankles. ââ¬Å"There!â⬠I shook a leg to the satisfying sound of nothing at all. ââ¬Å"Forward!â⬠Creep we did, until we were just outside the halo of firelight. Three bent-backed hags were walking a slow circle around a large cauldron, dropping in twisted bits of this and that as they chanted. ââ¬Å"Double, double, toil and trouble: Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.â⬠ââ¬Å"Witches,â⬠whispered Kent, paying tribute to the god of all things bloody fucking obvious. ââ¬Å"Aye,â⬠said I, in lieu of clouting him. (Jones stayed behind to guard my hat.) ââ¬Å"Eye of newt and toe of frog, Wool of bat and tongue of dog, Adderââ¬â¢s fork and blind-wormââ¬â¢s sting, Lizardââ¬â¢s leg and owletââ¬â¢s wing, For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.â⬠They double-bubbled the chorus and we were readying ourselves for another verse of the recipe when I felt something brush against my leg. It was all I could do not to cry out. I felt Kentââ¬â¢s hand on my shoulder. ââ¬Å"Steady, lad, itââ¬â¢s just a cat.â⬠Another brush, and a meow. Two of them now, licking my bells, and purring. (It sounds more pleasant than it was.) ââ¬Å"Itââ¬â¢s the bloody pork fat,â⬠I whispered. A third feline joined the gang. I stood on one foot, trying to hold the other above their heads, but while I am an accomplished acrobat, the art of levitation still eludes me; thus my ground-bound foot became my Achillesââ¬â¢ heel, as it were. One of the fiends sank its fangs into my ankle. ââ¬Å"Fuckstockings!â⬠said I, somewhat emphatically. I hopped, I whirled, I made disparaging remarks toward all creatures of the feline aspect. Hissing and yowling ensued. When at last the cats retreated, I was sitting splayed-legged by the fire, Kent stood next to me with his sword drawn and ready, and the three hags stood in ranks across the cauldron from us. ââ¬Å"Back, witches!â⬠said Kent. ââ¬Å"You may curse me into a toad, but theyââ¬â¢ll be the last words out of your mouths while your heads are attached.â⬠ââ¬Å"Witches?â⬠said the first witch, who was greenest of the three. ââ¬Å"What witches? We are but humble washerwomen, making our way in the wood.â⬠ââ¬Å"Rendering laundry service, humble and good,â⬠said witch two, the tallest. ââ¬Å"All it be, is as it should,â⬠said witch three, who had a wicked wart over her right eye. ââ¬Å"By Hecateââ¬â¢s[27] night-tarred nipples, stop rhyming!â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"If youââ¬â¢re not witches, what was that curse you were bubbling about?â⬠ââ¬Å"Stew,â⬠said Warty. ââ¬Å"Stew, stew most true,â⬠said Tall. ââ¬Å"Stew most blue,â⬠said Green. ââ¬Å"Itââ¬â¢s not blue,â⬠said Kent, looking in the cauldron. ââ¬Å"More of a brown.â⬠ââ¬Å"I know,â⬠said Green, ââ¬Å"but brown doesnââ¬â¢t rhyme, does it, love?â⬠ââ¬Å"Iââ¬â¢m looking for witches,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"Really?â⬠said Tall. ââ¬Å"I was sent by a ghost.â⬠The hags looked at one another, then back at me. ââ¬Å"Ghost told you to bring your laundry here, did it?â⬠said Warty. ââ¬Å"Youââ¬â¢re not washerwomen! Youââ¬â¢re bloody witches! And thatââ¬â¢s not stew, and the bloody ghost of the bloody White Tower said to seek you here for answers, so can we get about it, ye gnarled knots of erect vomitus?â⬠ââ¬Å"Ah, weââ¬â¢re toads for sure now,â⬠sighed Kent. ââ¬Å"Always a bloody ghost, innit?â⬠said Tall. ââ¬Å"What did she look like?â⬠asked Green. ââ¬Å"Who? The ghost? I didnââ¬â¢t say it was a she ââ¬â ââ¬Å" ââ¬Å"What did she look like, fool?â⬠snarled Warty. ââ¬Å"I suppose I shall pass my days eating bugs and hiding under leaves until some crone drops me in a cauldron,â⬠mused Kent, leaning on his sword now, watching moths dart into the fire. ââ¬Å"She was ghostly pale,â⬠said I, ââ¬Å"all in white ââ¬â vaporous, with fair hair and ââ¬â ââ¬Å" ââ¬Å"She was fit,[28] though?â⬠asked Tall. ââ¬Å"Lovely, you might even say?â⬠ââ¬Å"Bit more transparent than I care for in my wenches, but aye, she was fit.â⬠ââ¬Å"Aye,â⬠said Warty, looking to the others, who huddled with her. When they came up, Green said, ââ¬Å"State your business, then, fool. Why did the ghost send you here?â⬠ââ¬Å"She said you could help me. I am fool to the court of King Lear of Britain. He has sent away his youngest daughter, Cordelia, of whom I am somewhat fond; heââ¬â¢s given my apprentice fool, Drool, to that blackguard bastard Edmund of Gloucester, and my friend Taster has been poisoned and is quite dead.â⬠ââ¬Å"And donââ¬â¢t forget that theyââ¬â¢re going to hang you at dawn,â⬠added Kent. ââ¬Å"Donââ¬â¢t concern yourselves with that, ladies,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"About to be hanged is my status quo, not a condition that requires your repair.â⬠The hags huddled again. There was much whispering and a bit of hissing. They broke their conference and Warty, who was the apparent coven leader, said, ââ¬Å"That Learââ¬â¢s a nasty piece of work.â⬠ââ¬Å"Last time he went Christian a score of witches were drowned,â⬠said Tall. Kent nodded, and looked at his shoes. ââ¬Å"The Petite Inquisition ââ¬â not a high point.â⬠ââ¬Å"Aye, we were a decade spelling them all back to life for the revenge,â⬠said Warty. ââ¬Å"Rosemary here still seeps pond-water from the ears on damp days,â⬠said Tall. ââ¬Å"Aye, and carps ate my small toes while I was pond-bottom,â⬠said Green. ââ¬Å"Her toes thus gefilted,[29] we had to seek an enchanted lynx and take two of his for replacement.â⬠Rosemary (who was Green) nodded gravely. ââ¬Å"Goes through shoes in a fortnight, but thereââ¬â¢s no better witch to chase a squirrel up a tree,â⬠said Tall. ââ¬Å"Thatââ¬â¢s true,â⬠said Rosemary. ââ¬Å"Beats the burnings, though,â⬠said Warty. ââ¬Å"Aye, thatââ¬â¢s true,â⬠said Tall. ââ¬Å"No amount of cat toesââ¬â¢ll fix you if youââ¬â¢ve all your bits burnt off. Lear had him some burnings as well.â⬠ââ¬Å"Iââ¬â¢m not here on behalf of Lear,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"Iââ¬â¢m here to correct the madness heââ¬â¢s done.â⬠ââ¬Å"Well, why didnââ¬â¢t you say so?â⬠said Rosemary. ââ¬Å"Weââ¬â¢re always keen on sending a bit of the mayhem Learââ¬â¢s way,â⬠said Warty. ââ¬Å"Shall we curse him with leprosy?â⬠ââ¬Å"By your leave, ladies, I donââ¬â¢t wish the old manââ¬â¢s undoing, only the undoing of his deeds.â⬠ââ¬Å"A simple curse would be easier,â⬠said Tall. ââ¬Å"A bit oââ¬â¢ bat spittle in the cauldron and we can have him walking on duck feet before breakfast. Make him quack, too, if youââ¬â¢ve a shilling or a freshly-strangled infant for the service.â⬠ââ¬Å"I just want my friends and my home back,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"Well, if you canââ¬â¢t be persuaded, let us have a consult,â⬠said Rosemary. ââ¬Å"Parsley, Sage, a moment?â⬠She waved the other witches over to an old oak where they whispered. ââ¬Å"Parsley, Sage, and Rosemary?â⬠said Kent. ââ¬Å"What, no Thyme?â⬠Rosemary wheeled on him. ââ¬Å"Oh, weââ¬â¢ve the time if youââ¬â¢ve the inclination, handsome.â⬠ââ¬Å"Jolly good show, hag!â⬠said I. I liked these crones, they had a fine-edged wit. Rosemary rolled her good eye at the earl, lifted her skirts, aimed her withered bottom at Kent, and rubbed a palsied claw over it. ââ¬Å"Round and firm, good knight. Round and firm.â⬠Kent gagged a little and backed away a few steps. ââ¬Å"Gods save us! Away you ghastly carbuncled tart!â⬠I would have looked away, should have, but I had never seen a green one. A weaker man might have plucked out his own eyes, but being a philosopher, I knew the sight could never be unseen, so I persevered. ââ¬Å"Hop on, Kent,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"Beast-shagging is thy calling and thou surely have been called.â⬠Kent backed into a tree and half cold-cocked himself. He slid down the trunk, dazed. Rosemary dropped her skirts. ââ¬Å"Just having you on.â⬠The crones cackled as they huddled again. ââ¬Å"Weââ¬â¢ve a proper toading for you once the foolââ¬â¢s business is finished, though. A moment, pleaseâ⬠¦Ã¢â¬ The witches whispered for a moment, then resumed their march around the cauldron. ââ¬Å"Nose of Turk, and Tartarââ¬â¢s lips, Griffin spunk and monkey hips, Mandrake rubbed with tiger nads, To divine undoing for the old king mad.â⬠ââ¬Å"Oh bollocks,â⬠said Sage, ââ¬Å"weââ¬â¢re all out of monkey hips.â⬠Parsley looked into the cauldron and gave it a stir. ââ¬Å"We can make do without them. You can substitute a foolââ¬â¢s finger.â⬠ââ¬Å"No,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"Well, then, get a finger from that comely hunk of man-meat with the bootblack on his beard ââ¬â he seems foolish enough.â⬠ââ¬Å"No,â⬠said Kent, still a tad dazed. ââ¬Å"And itââ¬â¢s not bootblack, itââ¬â¢s a clever disguise.â⬠The witches looked to me. ââ¬Å"Thereââ¬â¢s no counting on accuracy without the monkey hips or foolââ¬â¢s finger,â⬠said Rosemary. I said: ââ¬Å"Let us make do and gallantly bugger on, shall we, ladies?â⬠ââ¬Å"All right,â⬠said Parsley, ââ¬Å"but donââ¬â¢t blame us if we bollocks-up your future.â⬠There was more stirring and chanting in dead languages, and no little bit of wailing, and finally, when I was about to doze off, a great bubble rose in the cauldron and when it burst it released a cloud of steam that formed itself into a giant face, not unlike the tragedy mask used by traveling players. It glowed against the misty night. ââ¬Å"ââ¬ËEllo,â⬠said the giant face, sounding Cockney and a little drunk. ââ¬Å"Hello, large and steamy face,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"Fool, Fool, you must save the Drool, Quick to Gloucester, or blood will pool.â⬠ââ¬Å"Oh, for fuckââ¬â¢s sake, this one rhymes, too?â⬠said I to the witches. ââ¬Å"Canââ¬â¢t a bloke find a straightforward prose apparition?â⬠ââ¬Å"Quiet, fool!â⬠snapped Sage, who I was back to thinking of as Warty. To the face, she said, ââ¬Å"Apparition of darkest power, weââ¬â¢re clear on the where and the what, but the fool was hoping for some direction of the how variety.â⬠ââ¬Å"Aye. Sorry,â⬠said large steamy face. ââ¬Å"Iââ¬â¢m not slow, you know, your recipe was short a monkey hip.â⬠ââ¬Å"Weââ¬â¢ll use two next time,â⬠said Sage. ââ¬Å"Well, all right, thenâ⬠¦ ââ¬Å"To reverse the will of a flighty king, Remove his train to clip his wings. To eldest daughters knights be dower, And soon a fool will yield the power.â⬠The steamy face grinned. I looked at the witches. ââ¬Å"So Iââ¬â¢m to somehow get Goneril and Regan to take Learââ¬â¢s knights in addition to everything else they have?â⬠ââ¬Å"He never lies,â⬠said Rosemary. ââ¬Å"Heââ¬â¢s often wildly fucking inaccurate,â⬠said Parsley, ââ¬Å"but not a liar.â⬠ââ¬Å"Again,â⬠said I to the apparition, ââ¬Å"good to know what to do and all, but a method to the madness would be most welcome as well. A strategy, as it were.â⬠ââ¬Å"Cheeky little bastard, ent ââ¬Ëe?â⬠said Steamy to the witches. ââ¬Å"Want us to put a curse on him?â⬠asked Sage. ââ¬Å"No, no, the ladââ¬â¢s a rocky road ahead without adding a curse to slow him.â⬠The apparition cleared his throat (or at least made the throat-clearing noise, as, strictly speaking, he had no throat). ââ¬Å"A princess to your will shall bend, If seduction in a note, you send, And fates of kings and queens shall tell, When bound are passions with a spell.â⬠With that, the apparition faded away. ââ¬Å"Thatââ¬â¢s it, then?â⬠I asked. ââ¬Å"A couple of rhymes and weââ¬â¢re finished? I have no idea what Iââ¬â¢m to do.â⬠ââ¬Å"Bit thick yourself, then, are you?â⬠said Sage. ââ¬Å"Youââ¬â¢re to go to Gloucester. Youââ¬â¢re to separate Lear from his knights and see that theyââ¬â¢re under the power of his daughters. Then youââ¬â¢re to write letters of seduction to the princesses and bind their passions with a magic spell. Couldnââ¬â¢t be any clearer if it was rhymed.â⬠Kent was nodding and shrugging as if the bloody obviousness of it all had sluiced through the wood in an illuminating deluge, leaving me the only one dry. ââ¬Å"Oh, do fuck off, you grey-bearded sot. Where would you get a magic spell to bind the bitchesââ¬â¢ passion?â⬠ââ¬Å"Them,â⬠said Kent, pointing rudely at the hags. ââ¬Å"Us,â⬠said the hags in chorus. ââ¬Å"Oh,â⬠said I, letting the flood wash over me. ââ¬Å"Of course.â⬠Rosemary stepped forward and held forth three shriveled grey orbs, each about the size of a manââ¬â¢s eye. I did not take them, fearing they might be something as disgusting as they appeared to be ââ¬â desiccated elf scrotums or some such. ââ¬Å"Puff balls, from a fungus that grows deep in the wood,â⬠said Rosemary. ââ¬Å"In loverââ¬â¢s breath these spores release An enchanting charm you shall unleash Passion which can be never broken For him whose name next is spoken.â⬠ââ¬Å"So, to recap, simply and without rhyme?â⬠ââ¬Å"Squeeze one of these bulbs under your ladyââ¬â¢s nose, then say your name and she will find your charms irresistible and become overwhelmed with desire for you,â⬠explained Sage. ââ¬Å"Redundant then, really?â⬠said I with a grin. The hags laughed themselves into a wheeze-around, then Rosemary dropped the puff balls into a small silk pouch and handed it to me. ââ¬Å"Thereââ¬â¢s the matter of payment,â⬠said she, as I reached for the purse. ââ¬Å"Iââ¬â¢m a poor fool,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"All we have between us is my scepter and a well-used shoulder of pork. I suppose I could wait while each of you takes Kent for a roll in the hay, if that will do.â⬠ââ¬Å"You will not!â⬠said Kent. The hag held up a hand. ââ¬Å"A price to be named later,â⬠said she. ââ¬Å"Whenever we ask.â⬠ââ¬Å"Fine, then,â⬠said I, snatching the purse away from her. ââ¬Å"Swear it,â⬠she said. ââ¬Å"I swear,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"In blood.â⬠ââ¬Å"But ââ¬â â⬠As quick as a cat she scratched the back of my hand with her ragged talon. ââ¬Å"Ouch!â⬠Blood welled in the crease. ââ¬Å"Let it drip in the cauldron and swear,â⬠said the crone. I did as I was told. ââ¬Å"Since Iââ¬â¢m here, is there any chance I could get a monkey?â⬠ââ¬Å"No,â⬠said Sage. ââ¬Å"No,â⬠said Parsely. ââ¬Å"No,â⬠said Rosemary. ââ¬Å"Weââ¬â¢re all out of monkeys, but weââ¬â¢ll put a glamour on your mate so his disguise isnââ¬â¢t so bloody pathetic.â⬠ââ¬Å"Go to it, then,â⬠said I. ââ¬Å"We must be off.â⬠ACT II How sharper than a serpentââ¬â¢s tooth it is to have a thankless child. ââ¬â King Lear, Act I, Scene 4 How to cite Fool Chapter 9, Essay examples
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.